the human experience
i persist
who am i, really?
Countless times I have rewritten this block of text and I will continue to write many more iterations in my mind but for the sake of putting pen to paper, this will do. I'll go by the Tragedian. I'm a young dude attempting to make heads or tails out of life and I suspect the only part of this sentence that will change as I continue to live is the "young" part. Who knows. Maybe I die young. I hope not. Death is a constant thought of mine and its gnawing and gnashing at my conscious and sub-conscious mind has been a plague on my existence ever since the childhood me lost his father. The sword of Damocles hangs over me, the thin wire threatening to snap during any moment. Even in the safest environments, in the warmest moments, Lady Death has her fingers around my throat and I suspect this is something I will have to live with forever. People don't tend to get further away from her embrace as they age, you know? Ultimately, I don't really know who I am. I've been trying to figure that out. I am hoping this project brings me a step closer to that. I can continue to sit here and write every little thought that springs to mind but I believe entries in my diaries or dream journals or hobby posts will reveal more about me than anything I can say for myself right this very instant.
why a website? whats the point in making this?
I want to dedicate to this project; a lifelong work. I want to be able to visit an exact date and see what I was doing and thinking during that time. The state I was in, the people I knew, loved, hated, the things I did. The tears I shed and the laughs I've had. Due to some form of trauma, I have forgotten about most of my life. Everything before graduating high school is nothing but a smear. A blurry, incomprehensible mess of memories I will likely never get back or make sense out of. It's a little scary to think that 18 years of life have been robbed from me. But that's where the Hidden King comes in. I will not repeat this mistake; I will not let anything be taken from me. Everything will be archived, everything will be accessible to me or to anyone else I send tihs website to. On the home page, you may notice a dead man's switch countdown. This, essentially, shuts down the website when I don't post for 30 days. The assumption is that I'm dead. The thought of this existing for longer than I want it to is awkward at best.
who the hell would you ever send this website to?
I don't know yet. This will be a dumping grounds for my deepest and most personal, unfiltered thoughts. If anyone from my life would find this, they'd likely stop associating with me. Haha. But they aren't the target audience for this site. I am the target audience for this site. If you stumbled upon this by accident, hello. If you put the pieces together, have identified me, and know me personally, then it must be some kind of hilarious twist of fate. This place isn't meant for people like you and it likely never will be. I do, however, plan on letting someone into this bubble one day. Just so that someone in my life knows about this website in case something happens to me.
a short autobiography with most of my important life events so far
I was born in the early 2000s. Raised in the sleepy capital city outskirts until we immigrated to Western Europe. We had a difficult time, me, my mother, my father and I but it was starting to look up. We'd finally bought our own house and while it was a fixer-upper it was ours. My sister was born. My dad died the week before we were meant to move in, when I was 6 years old. The next few years were a blur. I got bullied very hard during grade school, saw several child psychologists, the whole thing. No one could ever figure out what was wrong with me outside of the obvious trauma. I made it to high school at the regular age, and met some people throughout the years, none of which I speak to anymore. One of them would be the person that'd end up being my closest friend. Most of my high school life came and went. The only noteworthy event is that I got held back a year. If that is noteworthy, anyway. Come graduation, however, my life changed once again. This was my first of three relationships so far, and still the one that has stayed with me the longest. This girl I'd been with for almost a year now was one my best friend at the time was into as well, but by the time I learned, me and her were already engaged in something serious. He was deeply depresesd at the time and I couldn't imagine the damage it'd do to him if I told him I'm dating his crush. So we never did. This girl, however, would go on to make an attempt at her own life (the third one) and would succeed. I called her while she was drunk and delirious off pills in some hotel room. After hearing her stumble and slur her words, at one moment falling down and shrieking in pain, I hung up. Me and this friend would fight and "break up" several times, eventually ending in full blown no contact. Unfortunately, he still echoes in some parts of my life and some of my friend groups. I do not regret meeting him or being his friend for the long 8 years we were close, but I'm glad it's over with. Not much happened between my ex killing herself and now, to be honest. I got a college education. I went to Austria for a student exchange project, of which I didn't get much out of except a fleeting sense of independence, and one good friend. In this time, I dated two more women. One of which was an Italian I met in my home country that was a mess with undiagnosed BPD, the other an American I met, a long distance relationship, that had diagnosed BPD. Neither relationship worked, and the second time around it wasn't the BPDs fault. My relationships with everyone are rocky. My mother and I have a neutral relationship at best, my sister is, however, actively antagonistic towards me for reasons I don't blame her for. Me and my mother have fought for years over any and all topics and she has been caught in the crossfire every time. I feel bad for her but there isn't anything I can do. I hope she finds peace. As of now, I'm just a dude trying to make my life work. I'd like a girlfriend some other friends, perhaps. A well paying job. Standard stuff, I guess. I'm not focused on anything right now. Just kind of coasting around and taking life as it comes. It occurs to me that all the "important events" in my life are utterly depressing. I hope to correct this one day.